Chapter 42
Fang Yu gently lifted the quilt, wanting to scoop up the person who was lying sideways with his face buried in the pillow.
As soon as he picked the person up, he immediately saw a pair of eyes reddened from crying. The area around his eyes was swollen and flushed, his cheeks and the tip of his nose were also red, and the hair draped over his chest was damp and clinging to the side of his face. It was impossible to tell how long he had been crying; he truly resembled fragile white porcelain that looked as if it might shatter at a touch.
"How long have you been crying? How did you end up like this?"
He carefully gathered the person into his embrace, slowly smoothing the hair away from Qiao Hezhi's face: "What on earth is the matter? Weren't you fine when we returned? Are you feeling terribly unwell?"
Not understanding what was wrong, Fang Yu reached out to feel Qiao Hezhi’s forehead. It was a bit warm, but not abnormally so—more like he had been crying for a long time and then got overheated from being buried under the quilt.
Qiao Hezhi sobbed for a while longer. Seeing how he looked now was undoubtedly unsightly, yet fearing that Fang Yu might leave, he gently moved Fang Yu's hand from his forehead. Turning his face slightly aside, he said, "I’m not unwell… I’ve let you down… you, please don’t ignore me."
As he spoke, teardrops welled up in his eyes again. Feeling utterly ashamed, he buried his head against Fang Yu’s chest.
Fang Yu was utterly bewildered. He drew the other closer into his arms, watching as the figure nestled against him wept with quiet, trembling breaths. His heart ached for him.
Holding him with one arm, he used his other hand to stroke his hair: "How could I be ignoring you? If you wanted to stay with me in the study, you just needed to tell me; I wouldn’t have refused. I was genuinely busy in the study, nothing more."
"Then… then why didn’t you speak to me at all? Isn’t it because you were angry about today’s events?"
Qiao Hezhi slowly lifted his head from Fang Yu’s embrace.
Fang Yu looked at the reddened nose and, hearing these words, realized this turmoil stemmed from the day’s events. Ever since returning, he had been preoccupied with thinking about the plot details involving Yu Lifeng from the book, inadvertently neglecting Qiao Hezhi’s feelings and leaving him anxious and unsettled, likely fearing Fang Yu was angry with him. With a mix of fondness and helplessness, he said, "You cried even because I didn't speak to you? Why are you acting like a child?"
After saying this, he sighed again: "My mistake. You are still a child after all. I shouldn’t have left you aside to let your thoughts run wild, but I’m truly not angry."
Hearing this, Qiao Hezhi lowered his eyelids; his eyelashes were already damp with tears, blurring his vision: "Why aren’t you angry?"
"I…" Fang Yu took a deep breath: "Naturally, I am a little angry too. But I’m not angry with you. If I am angry, it’s with Yu Lifeng. For him to act so improperly, how could the blame possibly fall on you? This matter has nothing to do with you."
In such situations, people had always blamed women or gers for being indiscreet. Who would ever blame a man for failing to control himself? Hearing Fang Yu speak up for him, Qiao Hezhi felt a rush of warmth in his heart. He lifted his gaze to Fang Yu again, sniffled, and explained, "I truly don't have any special feelings for him. It's true we spent a few childhood years together, but ever since he went back to the capital, we haven't seen each other at all. I don't know what happened—after being away for years, he came back acting like a completely different person, almost as if he's under a spell."
"Ever since I married you, I haven’t thought of him for even a moment. From beginning to end, there has only been you in my heart."
Although their feelings for each other were tacitly understood, they had never actually spoken them aloud so directly. As Fang Yu silently listened to Qiao Hezhi’s heartfelt outpouring, he couldn't help but think of the day’s events and ask one more question.
"The Yu family is influential and respected. Yu Lifeng is talented, accomplished, handsome, and refined—he already holds a position in the Hanlin Academy despite his youth. And what is rarest of all is that he still cherishes his memories of you. I am only a poor scholar. With good fortune, I might pass the provincial examination and become a juren. If luck is against me, I could remain like this my whole life, never able to compare to the Yu family. As it stands now, you still have a choice. As my thanks for you keeping my secret—no matter what you choose, I will not hold it against you."
Qiao Hezhi’s face filled with alarm upon hearing this: "No, no! Why would I need to make such a choice? In my heart, you stand higher than anyone else. I have never thought there was anything lacking in you, even though… even though you are…"
Deeply moved, Fang Yu said, "Thank you for liking me so much even knowing what I am. My feelings for you are the same as yours. From now on, whether I attain high office and wealth, or remain humble and ordinary, I will stay faithful to you alone."
Qiao Hezhi pressed his lips together, his eyes growing hot, and he wrapped his arms around Fang Yu: "I promise I will never see him again from now on, will have no contact with him. I’ll stay at home most days and go out less, so you won’t get angry."
"My Xiao Qiao, this matter is not your fault. There’s no need to punish yourself for another’s mistake." Fang Yu hugged Qiao Hezhi’s waist in return, gently nuzzling his neck: "In the future, carry on as usual. Don’t dwell on this matter. If you keep brooding over it, wouldn’t that make me feel bad too?"
Qiao Hezhi, held tightly by Fang Yu, was forced to tilt his chin up: "I’ll listen to you in everything."
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