Fang Yu felt Qiao Hezhi's question was too difficult to answer directly. If he said today that he changed his mind because of Qiao Hezhi, perhaps someone would be pleased, thinking themselves more important than the former person, and thus the reason for the change of heart. But judging by Qiao Hezhi’s pure and kind nature, he would certainly feel that Fang Yu only smiled for the new and forgot the tears of the old. If he could abandon the past for Qiao Hezhi today, who could guarantee he wouldn’t discard Qiao Hezhi tomorrow for someone else?
He didn't want to be such a person in Qiao Hezhi's heart.
After pondering for a long time, holding Qiao Hezhi's hand, he finally made a decision. "I don't want to lie to you. Actually, I never liked the girl from the Yin family. As for why... it's because from the moment I fell into the river, I am no longer the same person as before! The person you see now is merely another person using that former body."
Fang Yu could no longer speak with the same frankness and confidence as when he told Madam Chen the truth. He wasn't afraid of Madam Chen treating him differently, nor of her suspicions. But now, every word was difficult because he didn't want Qiao Hezhi to distance himself from him or fear him upon knowing the truth.
Things obtained effortlessly by chance might be impossible to hold onto firmly. He still had to clean up the mess of troubles left behind by the original owner—a malicious and harsh mother, the Yin family who were all talk and just wanted to suck the Fang family dry... Yet, there was also a gentle and considerate Qiao Hezhi.
"How... how is that possible..."
Qiao Hezhi widened his eyes, slowly withdrawing his hand from Fang Yu's grasp, his gaze full of disbelief and shock.
A bitter taste rose in Fang Yu's mouth. "If it weren't for this, Mother wouldn't have become suspicious and invited the ritual masters to perform rituals at home. It wasn't because of you; actually, she was aiming at me."
"But... but after the rituals, nothing happened to you."
Fang Yu felt helpless. He lowered his head to look at the hand that had pulled away from him, his tone carrying a hint of pitifulness. "The Master said, 'One should not speak of strange forces or chaos.' Do you truly wish for me to be taken away?"
Qiao Hezhi knew he had spoken wrongly. "I... I didn't mean that either. I don't want anything to happen to you. It's just... how can such a thing really happen?"
Although utterly unbelievable, once said, everything could be explained. Why would someone who had tried so hard to be filial to Madam Chen suddenly become clear-headed? Why would someone who ignored him start caring for him thoroughly? And why would he no longer want to marry the girl from the Yin family?
No wonder, no wonder he said he wanted to be understood slowly, to let the other person feel he was a good enough husband before making any decision. Now, everything had a reasonable explanation.
Yet, his heart was in chaos.
Fang Yu wanted to reach for Qiao Hezhi's hand again, but the other subconsciously avoided it. His eyes dimmed slightly. "I won't force you to accept me, nor will I hurt you. I just wanted to tell you the truth."
"I need to think carefully." Qiao Hezhi's mind was a tangled mess. Such a thing might not happen once in two lifetimes, how could he accept it immediately? He suddenly stood up. "I... I'm going back now."
He hurried to the doorway before realizing he was already in Xiaotong Courtyard. He froze awkwardly on the spot. When he turned back, Fang Yu had already stood up as well.
Fang Yu knew that saying more would be useless. Even though he understood that revealing all of this might lead to a bad outcome and had braced himself somewhat, seeing Qiao Hezhi—who usually looked at him with starlight in his eyes—react this way still left him feeling a little downhearted. "Then take your time to think it over. I'll head back now."
Watching Fang Yu's back merge into the dusk light that was neither fully dark nor bright, Qiao Hezhi stood at the doorway as if he had lost his spirit. The back he once found dashing and gentle now seemed to emanate a desolate, bleak aura.
Just as the figure was about to disappear from sight, he hurriedly said, "No matter what, I won't tell anyone about this."
Fang Yu’s footsteps halted. After a moment, a faint smile touched the corner of his mouth. He didn’t respond, simply raising a hand to wave behind him at Qiao Hezhi.
Seeing Fang Yu leave, Siyu hurried forward. She didn't know what her master had discussed inside, but she had clearly heard the last sentence. "Young Master, has something happened?"
"Nothing. I'm tired and want to rest for a while. Don't let the servants disturb me."
Siyu was confused, but seeing that her young master didn’t seem particularly upset, she guessed it couldn’t be anything too serious and didn’t press further. "Yes."
Qiao Hezhi lay down on the bed. He stared blankly at the bed canopy above, his gaze distant and unfocused. Everything he had learned today felt like too much to take in; he simply couldn’t process it all.
His mind was a jumble, unable to stop its restless, chaotic thoughts.
If the person now was no longer the former Fang Yu, then where had the former Fang Yu gone? Did he drown in the river that time? Then where did the one now in the household come from? Where did he live before? Where was his home? What did he do?
Qiao Hezhi guessed he must have been from a poor family. Otherwise, why would his temper be so good, so skilled at caring for people, so attentive and thorough in everything? And why did he love food so much, yet be unparticular – fine restaurants were fine, small stalls in deep alleys were fine too...
Not just that, he was also a person with strong self-respect. Even if he had no money, he wouldn't ask him for it. He was willing to give, but Fang Yu wouldn't accept, saying he didn't eat soft rice, and if he took money, he would pay it back...
Thinking of this, he couldn't help but laugh softly.
After a while, he suppressed his smile and thought again: A person with such integrity, even if born into a poor family, certainly wouldn't, like the original Fang Yu, bend his principles for money and status to marry a merchant family's ger like him.
Thinking of this, he couldn't help feeling somewhat sad again.
He turned over. Winter nights were longer than anything. Tossing and turning, he couldn't sleep. One moment, he was thinking about how to interact with Fang Yu in the future. The next, he worried whether Fang Yu, being who he was now, might face any danger. With New Year approaching, door gods were being pasted up all over the house, and firecrackers were set off to ward off evil spirits. Would he be frightened...
[In Chinese folk belief and mythology, ghosts are traditionally thought to be afraid of firecrackers because the loud noise and bright flash represent potent Yang energy that can dispel Yin spirits]
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