Chapter 141
Just as the buns were placed in the steamer, Zhou Ger came in. His expression was heavy as he said to Aunt Liu, "Mother, Zhao Ger is awake."
Aunt Liu gestured with her chin towards the table: "Then scoop a bowl of porridge for him. He should eat something to cushion his stomach. I'll heat his medicine later. Although the fever has broken, he still needs to finish this dose of medicine."
Zhou Ger didn't move: "But he seems... not quite right to me."
Aunt Liu stopped what she was doing: "What's wrong?"
"I can't quite say, it's just a feeling... something feels wrong," Zhou Ger said.
Zhou Ger was a simple farm-born Ger who had never learned to read. He could sense that something was wrong with Zhao Ger, but he didn't have the words to explain exactly what it was.
Zhao Ger was awake, but overnight, he seemed to have been stripped of all vitality. He sat dumbly on the edge of the bed, not speaking, not drinking the congee, not eating the buns, like a block of wood, devoid of all sensation.
Guaizai found a piece of cloth, wrapped two steamed buns inside, tied it around his neck, then grabbed a stick from the firewood pile and prepared to leave. Aunt Liu stopped him, refusing to let him go. She explained that Zhao Ger was unwell and shouldn't be left alone, and that Guaizai should stay home to look after him. She promised they would go search for his father in a couple of days.
Guaizai scurried to the doorway. Seeing that Zhao Ger's condition seemed truly not right, he finally stopped thinking about going out.
He came to the bedside, leaned over the edge, grabbed Zhao Ger's hand, looked up, and called to him: "Daddy..."
Zhao Ger gave no reaction; his eyes remained fixed and unmoving, as if he hadn't heard a thing.
"Daddy, what's wong with you?" The relentless turmoil had left Guaizai utterly terrified.
Guaizai was on the verge of tears, so Zhou Ger quickly comforted him, explaining that patients often act out of character when they're not feeling well and assuring him that he would recover in a few days.
Guaizai sniffled and asked in a small voice, "Really? Uncle Zhou, you're not tricking Guaizai?"
"En!" Zhou Ger stroked his little face, his heart aching. "Really, Uncle Zhou isn't tricking you."
Given Zhao Ger's condition, Aunt Liu and Zhou Ger did not dare to leave his side, keeping a close watch over him without moving an inch.
At noon, Aunt Liu brought in another bowl of porridge. Zhao Ger still refused to eat. Aunt Liu urged him, "Zhao Ger, don't be like this. I know you're suffering, but you must eat a little something."
Zhao Ger stared vacantly at the doorway, remaining completely silent.
The room fell silent for a moment.
"You don't want to live anymore, is that it?" Aunt Liu said abruptly.
Zhao Ger was silent for a long time, then lowered his gaze and let out a soft, "En." The sound seemed to come from deep in his throat, rough and raspy as if scarred by smoke.
Hearing this, Aunt Liu felt an uncontrollable chill in her heart, followed by rising anger—anger at his lack of resilience, and anger at him saying such things so lightly. "You don't want to live? Dying would be clean and easy, but have you thought about the child? You're not alone now, you have a son! Even if you don't think for yourself, you must think for him! Guaizai is so young, how will he manage without you? I know you're suffering, but you can get through this. That Fang kid... once you're better, we'll go look for him. He's a living person with a registered residence here; he can't have gone far. You focus on getting better, take care of yourself, and we'll go look for him, alright?"
The moment she mentioned Fang Zichen, Zhao Ger couldn't bear it.
In just one night, that name seemed to have become the deepest thorn rooted in his heart.
Every time they were mentioned, his heart felt like being pierced by a sharp blade.
After a long silence, Zhao Ger suddenly laughed. It was a very serene laugh, as if a knot in his heart had suddenly been loosened.
Look for him?
Where would I even go to look?
I searched day and night for him before, but I never found him.
And what would be the point now?
I didn't do anything wrong, yet Fang Zichen left me without a word. If I had done something to make him go, then I would cross mountains and rivers to the ends of the earth to find him and make it right.
But I... did nothing wrong, and he left me anyway.
Actually, it's not strange at all. If Fang Zichen could abandon me once, he could abandon me a second, a third, a fourth time...
But what did I ever do to deserve this? It seems like Heaven thought my suffering wasn't enough. Just when I had lost all hope, Fang Zichen and I met again by chance, only to... part just as ruthlessly in the end.
This world had no shortage of fleeting attractions that made one's heart race, but a companionship that was truly steadfast and enduring was a rare thing indeed. In that moment, he finally understood the painful truth: not all affection could achieve its desired end.
He still remembered the feeling of being held and comforted by Fang Zichen, that sense of safety and happiness that seemed to overflow from his heart.
Because he remembered, it made the present all the more painful.
This feeling of loss and despair was indescribable, robbing him of his reason.
"I'll take him with me," Zhao Ger said, his voice coarse, as if he hadn't spoken in a long time. "Living is too exhausting. I'll take him with me."
Aunt Liu's pupils contracted, as if she couldn't believe it. "You... how can you say such a thing!" She hit him. Zhao Ger, like a wooden puppet, didn't resist. Aunt Liu cried, "What exactly is making you think like this?! Even if that Fang kid is gone, you still have to live for yourself! Back when you were at the Ma family, you endured all that suffering and hardship. Why can't you do it now?"
Zhao Ger: "...It's different."
No comments:
Post a Comment