Chapter 47: A Joke
Yang Jiabo said weakly, "It's not... not like that. I'm fine now. Even if I don’t go to school, it’s no big deal."
"Jiajia, deep down, you still want to go to school and take the college entrance exam, don’t you?" Wei Jing didn’t wait for his answer before continuing, "You seem cheerful and strong, but inside, you’re more fragile than anyone. You want to rely on someone but don’t know who to turn to. You want to study but can’t let go of your family. The school expelling you just gave you a legitimate reason not to go. You long for college but are afraid of stepping into an unfamiliar world, afraid of being hurt. Am I right?"
Yang Jiabo stayed silent, childishly twisting the hem of his pajamas into a knot. Subconsciously, he knew Wei Jing was right, but he didn’t want to admit it, he hated that version of himself.
Wei Jing noticed his fingers turning red and the poor pajamas nearly torn from his grip. With a sigh, he took Yang Jiabo’s hands. "Jiajia, you forget you’re still a kid. Stop trying to carry everything alone. Learn to share your burdens and trust others. Otherwise, you’ll only wear yourself out. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, just do your best."
"I don’t know. I just want a quiet life," Yang Jiabo murmured. "But even that seems too much to ask. Dad’s getting older, his health isn’t good... I don’t know who to trust or rely on. No one can support me, I can only count on myself."
"That’s not true, Jiajia. Your dad’s still in his prime, if he takes care of himself, he’ll live a long time. And you have me. I’m your brother. You can trust me, lean on me. Don’t pile too much on yourself, you’re already doing enough. Sometimes, you need to think about yourself too. Don’t stretch yourself so thin." Wei Jing didn’t know why Yang Jiabo was so anxious, but his surroundings were surely a factor.
"I want to, but I just can’t." Yang Jiabo yearned for a simple, happy life, but reality was full of hardships.
Wei Jing sighed, shifting closer and pulling the slender boy into his arms. Feeling Yang Jiabo tense, he whispered, "Jiajia, relax. Trust me, I’m your brother."
Yang Jiabo pressed tightly against him, absorbing the warmth of his skin, listening to his steady breath and heartbeat. Slowly, his body relaxed. Wei Jing’s embrace was so comforting, he desperately wanted to cling to that warmth.
Wei Jing’s fingers traced Yang Jiabo’s scar, long and slightly raised. He must’ve struck hard back then. The touch was ticklish yet warm. Yang Jiabo wanted to pull away but couldn’t bring himself to.
"Jiajia, can you tell me what’s on your mind? What are you afraid of? Why did you want to…?" Wei Jing’s voice was soothing and magnetic, it made Yang Jiabo want to confide in him.
Yang Jiabo hesitated, unsure where to start or if he should.
"Don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you, and I won’t let anyone else hurt you. Jiajia, you’re my brother. I worry about you. It hurts me to see you like this." Wei Jing coaxed gently, hoping Yang Jiabo would finally release his pent-up emotions.
"I don’t know how to say it," Yang Jiabo mumbled.
"It’s okay. Just say whatever comes to mind. Don’t keep it bottled up."
"Every time I… tried to end it, I was in a daze. I thought dying would mean freedom, peace. But I have Dad, I can’t make him sad, so I don’t want to die. But sometimes, I can’t control myself."
"When do these thoughts come?" Wei Jing kept his voice soft. Yang Jiabo looked like a fragile, lost little rabbit who was easily startled.
"When I’m overwhelmed but can’t let it out. My emotions spiral, and I start feeling detached… like I can’t stop myself." Yang Jiabo spoke haltingly.
"My parents never got along. They fought constantly when I was little. Every time they argued, I was terrified, but neither cared about me. I’d just sit in a corner and cry. I loved sweets...cream cakes, especially. I always looked forward to my birthday because that’s when I could have one. One year, Mom lost at mahjong and was in a bad mood. Before leaving, she told Dad to bring in the laundry if it rained. He forgot. When she came back, she flew into a rage - screaming, cursing. Dad snapped back, and they started fighting."
"Then they both left. I was alone. The cake was ruined, no one made dinner, the house was cold. I stood on a stool, crying, and cooked half-raw noodles. I was so scared of the dark, of ghosts, I hid under the bed all night. Another birthday, they fought again. Food was spilled everywhere. Once again, I was forgotten, scared, not knowing what to do. After that, I stopped liking birthdays. It felt like the unluckiest day, something bad always happened."
Yang Jiabo couldn’t stop now, the words poured out. "Mom is… strange. I never understood her. She treated outsiders better than Dad and me. She’d call Dad ‘old bastard,’ ‘son of a bitch.’ Same with me, if I upset her, she’d scream insults. If I played with cousins and someone got hurt, she’d beat me without asking what happened. The things she said… they were vile. I’d feel so angry, so hurt, but had nowhere to let it out. It just built up, year after year."
"I used to make excuses for her, she grew up in the countryside, uneducated, that’s just how her world was. Maybe she didn’t mean it, couldn’t help her temper." Yang Jiabo’s voice cracked. "But that’s bullshit. Why did I keep hoping? Just because she gave birth to me?"
Wei Jing rubbed his back, handing him tissues, but the tears only fell harder.
"Once, Mom had a reunion with her childhood friends, village pals and former educated youth. One of them brought her son, my classmate. We ate at the same restaurant. The man she’d always loved was there. I’ll never forget how gently she smiled at him, a smile Dad and I never got. At first, I didn’t think much of it. Then, one day, I came home early. The door was locked. When I knocked, she and that man were alone inside. They looked guilty. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what was happening."
"That’s when I realized Mom could be warm, caring… just not to Dad or me. Why did she marry him if she loved someone else? Why have me? Just because an unmarried woman would be mocked as a ‘leftover,’ a childless one called a ‘hen that doesn’t lay eggs’? So she married, treated her husband like an enemy. Had a kid, but only hit and cursed me. I never felt an ounce of warmth from her."
What Yang Jiabo didn’t say was that in his past life, he’d reached marriage age but never wed. He ran a pharmacy, busy every day, until his mental state worsened and he handed it off.
Li Guizhen had hounded him to marry. Any woman would do, she’d lie about their jobs (a bakery worker became a "teacher," a temp became a "permanent employee"). Yang Jiabo didn’t look down on their work, he just hated being deceived.
His aunt introduced him to a civil servant. She was short, slow, and slightly lame. She’d gotten the job through her late father’s connections. Her mother was bedridden, so she was always busy.
They rarely met, but she was diligent and filial. Yang Jiabo felt no love but no disdain either. If he had to marry, she might’ve been okay.
But when he didn’t pursue her, Li Guizhen forced him to. She even told him to help care for the woman’s paralyzed mother, someone he’d barely met.
Disgusted, Yang Jiabo cut contact. Li Guizhen called him "useless," said he couldn’t afford to be picky. "Just marry anyone. Divorce if it doesn’t work out. You have to marry once, or people will laugh at you."
So her pressure wasn’t for his sake, just to avoid ridicule, pathetic.
Now, recalling Li Guizhen’s affair, Yang Jiabo saw everything clearly.
"All she ever cared about was that man who wronged her. Dad and I were just shields, tools to stop the gossip. I’m a joke. How could someone like that be my mother?"
"Don’t grieve. It’s not too late, your parents will divorce soon. She can’t hurt you anymore." Wei Jing held him, heart aching.
"How can I not? Dad and I put up with her for years, how stupid. Why did I let her break me? I’m so weak, so pathetic." Yang Jiabo’s chest burned. In his past life, he’d tormented himself, spiraling into madness, how absurd it all was. The words tumbled out, messy but oddly freeing.
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